When one reflects on whom one was, whom one is, and whom one is going to be, one usually ends up with the same answers, or similar answers at the very least.  This could lead to one being an artist and another serving as an emergency technician.  Another being a cook while someone else is a teacher.  Each person, at least at one point in one’s life, reflects on who they are and has to sit down and make decisions to what they want to be in life and where they plan on going.  As I ponder the questions of where I have been and where I am going, I cannot help but to think of all that I have been through in my life to get where I am today.

          There have been several obstacles to overcome in order to become the person that I am today; struggles that I have never seen in others in their search for who they are supposed to be, albeit I know that many have been there too.  Anne Lindbergh said that she felt alone, as if she was the only woman struggling through all that she was going through.  As I read the words of this amazing author, I was dumbfounded at how well versed she was.  It is prima facie that she knew what she was talking about throughout the entire book.

          As I look back on the past, search through the present, and focus on my future, I have come to understand that although my path may have never been traveled by anybody else, nor will it ever be traveled again, and I know that many of the facets of this journey have been experienced by others.  For years I struggled just to make it through the day.  Each day was horrific, repulsive, dreadful and downright terrifying to me.  There were few moments that I wanted to be around anyone, needless to say, even to be alive.  My mind tormented me continuously, both day and night.  This seemed to be a constant battle that went on for years inside my mind.  Had I been given the opportunity to be alone on an island or in the mountains, I still am not quite sure that I could have gained the same understanding that Anne Lindbergh had, more than fifty years ago.

          Several times while reading, I noticed the in-depth vocabulary that Mrs. Lindbergh used to describe her feelings.  This is very much so how I have tried to describe what I was dealing with when talking with others.  Over the years, the words have changed, but I still have that same tendency to articulate to the best of my ability, how I feel, my frustrations, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and any other ideas that seem to go through my mind about myself, by using a various pallet of words.

          The best way I can reflect on myself, both in thoughts of where I have been and where I am going, is through music.  I see my life as an opus, a creative composition that I will write for as long as I live, with all of its crescendo’s and decrescendo’s, various tempo changes and pitches, tonal progressions, each note written in its perfect place, with perfect chords and modalities and some chords that ring in dissonance and modalities that are at times inharmonic, and each rest; these all lead to a perfect, beautiful masterpiece of music that my life moves to every day.
          As I reflect on my past and where I have been, and knowing that each note that has been written can never be changed, although I wish I could change some of those moments in my opus, I realize that each one of those moments makes me who I am today.  From a life of depression, fear and despair, like the phoenix rising above the ashes to be reborn into a new personification of beauty, so too have I risen from the ashes of my past to go on and fulfill great works by helping those around me in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community, through psychology, intercultural communications and music therapy.  With this in mind, I have come to an understanding that my life was never meant to be my own, that I was placed here with a purpose to help others, and it has given me a greater joy to live with this in mind than the thought of wanting to die.  The illustration that Mrs. Lindbergh used in this novel, “Gift From the Sea,” in regards to how the mother Argonaut leaving her shell for a new life once her eggs have hatched and the young swim away, is a prime example of how I hope my life can help others after I graduate.  It is my desire to assist others, especially those in the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender communities, to be able to come to the surface of the sea that they feel that they are drowning in, allow them to hatch and swim away, until I leave that shell in my life and start an even newer chapter.

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